Wednesday, September 3, 2008


Unanswered questions
I have been thinking about this topic for a long, long time. Six years to be exact. When Ben was born, many tests were done to find out why? Why was he born with a brain that didn't grow in utero? Was it something that I did? Or didn't do? For the first couple of years, I was stuck on why? Not that having any answers would change anything, not that I would want it to and not that I would worry about it happening again. I think maybe it's my
type A personality. Eventually I was able to let go.
Fast forward 6 1/2 years later and here I am again. I just got a call from my "high risk" OB doctor up at DHMC letting me know the results of my pathology report - on the baby and placenta. When I lost the baby, we agreed to full testing of both to see if we could find some answers. Well...according to the reports, they weren't able to come up with any reason. Of course as I delved further, I found that they didn't end up testing the baby even though Steve and I had requested it. The placenta reports are being forwarded to a pathologist that specializes in placentas and my dr. also explained more in detail my pregnancy and how sick I was to him. She's hoping that maybe he'll be able to find something that the others didn't. Receiving this phone call was actually really hard and affected me in a way that I never would have thought. Maybe because I still don't know why? There isn't some obvious answer that would maybe give me closure. I guess this is where faith comes in to play. I do have faith that whatever happened was in God's plan and somehow I am able to take comfort in that...


Adam and Anya said...

Becky- You are such an exmaple of remaining faithful without having all the answers.

Many times Adam and I ask ourselves "Why?" when we think of John's PDD-NOS.

I loved this post because it is universal. Everyone has these frustrating unanswered questions. I think it's a part of the veil that temporarily separates us from God.

Stay strong. I know one day, whether now or in the future, your answers will come.

LL said...

Becky-i'm sorry! Sounds like today has been a difficult one, how frustrating it must be with all of these unanswered questions.
You do have a great outlook on life, and it's many challenges--I admire that about you.
There is a plan, I'm glad you have that knowledge to bring comfort on days like this.

Smilin' sunshine said...

I am sorry you don't have answers. That is extremely frustrating.

I have to remind myself on days like this~when I have unanswered questions~why did we move here? why are my kids struggling so much with school?~that the Lord is always by our side.

Here is a great quote I got off my sister~in~law's blog:

God didn't promise days without pain,
laughter without sorrow, sun without rain,
but He did promise strength for the day,
comfort for the tears, and light for the way.

I hope you have comfort soon!!!

Anonymous said...

Becky, I ran across this great poem/birth announcement on the blog of a designer in your similar situation...her baby girl died at 30 weeks. She put her feelings down so sincerely, I thought maybe you could draw some comfort from it. Love, Dee

p.s. Grace was my "girl name" choice.

Mostly Stacie's Space said...

Love you so. I just want you to know how much I appreciate the comments that you leave. With all of your business you still find time to give to others and that means so much to me. I don't know what you are going through, I can only love you and let my heart break for you. I have found comfort and answers from my patriartical blessing with some other difficult things that I have gone through and that might be a source of comfort for you as well. Love you. Stacie

smart mama said...

I hope the pahtologist can give you something- I so remember feeling like I was left hanging just having something would give me more closure- I hope there will still be something that can come-

Cathe Holden said...

Well...I never imagined that my blog would have been visited by an angel. Becky, I have just spent a while on both your blog and Benjamin’s website. It all reminded me of our pastor’s message on Sunday: “What is faith if it is not tested.” I’m sure not only will God tell you that you’ve passed all tests, but no doubt He will say “Well done.”
You and your beautiful family are touching lives farther than you could ever imagine. I am so saddend by of the loss of your baby Kadee Lynn. I know your pain. Like you, all I have are my daughter’s footprints. How precious they are.


You and your family are the epitome of beauty.


On a lighter note, those mummies were a complete crack-up.

Take care.

barryblog said...

I am sorry for your loss. I am Adam Barry's sister in law. We lost our baby girl last week after she was born at 22 weeks. You are not alone. I have a feeling there are many special spirits like us and our babies in this small world. Heavenly father has a plan for us all and we said yes when we were asked if we could bring these spirits here just to get their bodies and go right back to him. One of the most comforting words came from my bishop when he said that I did my job and she did hers. I hope you can continue to stay positive. You can check out our blog to see our story. Good luck!!
Love, Scottee Barry

Heather O. said...

I have found God to be pretty quiet on the question of "WHY". He doesn't really seem to answer those as much as others, at least for me. He knows of your pain, though, and sorrows at your suffering. Of that I'm certain.

barryblog said...

Thank you so much for your kind words on our blog. I am so greatful for the pictures I have of Trevee because they are all I have. A word to people who don't believe in ultrasounds...It may be all you get. I am sorry you did not get to see your angel, but hopefully she can find Trevee up there and be friends. I already feel a connection with her mom (You!!). Thanks again

Scottee Barry