Wednesday, September 8, 2010

MY EYES...

They hurt today.
They hurt from crying.
I don't like crying because it's too painful and it gives me a headache.
Plus I can't breathe through my nose and my face gets red.
But today I couldn't help it.
I just miss Ben so much.
If you're tired of hearing me say that, 
you might want to reconsider visiting my blog.
Cuz it's gonna happen a lot.
I did so well last week, not doing so well this week.
This morning I found out a HUGE mistake (my fault) on my verizon cell phone bill.
I called begging for mercy on my oversight.
There was none to give.  
It was my fault.
This mistake will cost me hundreds.
No mercy.
I called back an hour later asking to speak to a supervisor.
The kind lady was patient with me through my tears.
(it was already a not so good morning)
She realized that it just might not be my mistake after all.
Her voice was so kind and I was so grateful.
She told me she would take care of it and to wipe my tears.
I did.
So instead of going to my karate class,
I visited my husband at work.
I needed comfort
and thankfully he gave it.
He's kind that way.
I'm lucky to have him.
Then I drove over to Kaleb's school to meet with a teacher.
I was sitting in my car waiting for the meeting to start.
I got a knock on my window,
it was cute Stevie.
She saw me and had to come say hello.
She looks at me with my sunglasses on and says
"Mom, why are you crying?"
I was teary, but not crying.
Besides...how did she know?
I was wearing my dark sunglasses.
That Stevie...she's a smart cookie.
I walked her back to where she was having lunch and gave her a big smooch.
Then I got to sit in the office and make small talk with the secretaries until my meeting started.
The principal came out to see me.
She wanted to tell me how great Stevie did on the soccer field the day before.
Stevie is quite the soccer player.
She scored the only game for her team.
I thanked her for the compliment and braced myself for talk about Ben.
I knew it was coming.
I haven't seen her since Ben's funeral.
I was feeling too vulnerable to talk about him right then.
Problem is?
People don't always know that.
But there it was.
She wanted to know how the family was doing since his passing, etc. etc.
She was very sweet about it.
I just smiled while swallowing back my tears.
Thankfully it worked because once it starts, 
there's NO stopping it.
That's just how I'm feeling today.
This picture below sums it up.
While everyone around me smiles and laughs,
inside this is how I feel.
Sad and missing Ben.
I can't help it.
He was an amazing little boy.
I miss his unconditional love and remarkable spirit,
wrapped up in a perfect little body named Benjamin.

13 comments:

Jo Jo said...

Sigh. Sorry. But you are handling each day at a time. And I"m SOOOO glad that kind lady helped you. Hate money issues.

Amy said...

I feel for you and you have every right to feel however it is you are feeling on any given day at any given time.I can't imaigne your grief. I have similiar moments about Gabriel- where I still morn what he could have been and dealing with the here and now.It is a different kind of morning I know - cause he is still here. Whether you are handling it or not - I'll be there.

The Kings said...

oh Becky. How I wish I could take your pain away for you. I'm glad you got the phone bill sorted - you don't need to worry about that kind of thing right now.
Lots of thoughts and prayers for you. I hope that as the days go on that the pain of losing Ben will get dimmer and the days will look brighter. I can't imagine how that can happen as there will never be a day when you don't wish he was still with you, but I hope the hurt is less and the happy memories carry you through.

Jenny said...

xo

Emily B. said...

Oh, friend! I'm SO sorry.

During Education Week I went to a class on trials and the teacher spoke extensively about Matt. 26:38 which reads,
"Then saith he (the Savior) unto them, My soul is exceeding sorrowful, even unto death: tarry ye here, and watch with me."

He drove home the point that no matter who we are, sometimes we find ourselves overcome with grief and we need others to simply "watch" with us.

I haven't been able to stop thinking about this. I want you to know that I'm watching with you Becky. Even though I'm far away, I hope you can feel how much I mean that.

Love you.

Junior said...

Becky I wish we were there to give you hugs in person. Lots of love, hugs, and prayers. Ben was thought of many times today as we drove to Junior's appt in the van. Seeing his picture hanging on the mirror always makes me smile.

TMI Tara said...

{{HUGS}} love you. thinking of you.

shirlgirl said...

Hi sweet niece--sorry you had such a tough day today. Some days will be good days and others will not. I've had these days myself--not the crying but the sadness I feel at times. I try to keep up a big front. Stevie is a very intuitive child--The Lord has blessed you with wonderful children to nurture, and I know that she can make you laugh, too. It's o.k. to cry and never be ashamed to do that. You are still grieving and it will take you as long as it will take you. Sending lots of love and hugs your way. Love, Aunt Shirley

LL said...

i'm sorry.

ANewKindOfPerfect said...

Becky, my heart aches for you .. that picture brought tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. You have every right to cry. ((hugs))

Nettie's Blog said...

"A trouble shared is a trouble halved" my mum used to say that ...i lost her 26 years ago at 55 ...too young for her to go everyone said...but i know that she had completed her lifes mission here..so i guess what i am saying is thatnk you for sharing your sorrow and i send you my prayers and computer hugs ...you know they are just through another door and i am sure if they could reach and and touch us they would....we can feel them in our heart.

Alison said...

Thinking of you, Becky. I'm sorry you're hurting.

xo

Alana said...

Made me a little teary myself reading the post and comments. i echo the sister who said, "we watch with you."