Wednesday, September 29, 2010

THE 29th

Today I was walking through Walmart.  I was looking for some sweats for Kaleb.  I am not a fan of sweat pants at school, but then check out what I'm wearing on a daily basis. (above)  I go for the comfort, not necessarily style.  I mean, c'mon.  Most days you can find me wearing my children's athletic jackets, a t-shirt and stretchy pants.  So I don't say anything when he requests them.  Besides,  a $6 pair of sweat pants is way better than a $40 pair of jeans, right?  But I digress.  I passed the boy section where sometimes I would pick out some comfortable 'stretchy' pants for Ben too.  We lived with comfort.  Today was a first for me regarding clothes and Ben.  I didn't shop much for him because I would usually buy big and let him grow into it for a couple of years.  Because he wasn't walking, it didn't matter if the legs were too long.  I would just fold them up, or fold them down as he grew.  I happened to glance over at the warmer clothes starting to appear on the racks and noticed some fleece outfits that were similar to ones I have purchased for Ben in the past.  A sudden rush of emotions swept over me and I had to duck into an empty aisle full of men's underwear so that I could avoid tears in public.  The underwear was enough to snap me out of my instant sadness thankfully, because I didn't want to linger in the men's lingerie section longer than I had to.  Besides, how weird would THAT look.  Today is the 29th.  A date that over four months ago wouldn't have meant anything to me now gives me a stomach ache every month.  It causes anxiety as it comes and goes.  It causes me great sadness and longing for things to be different.  But they're not different.  And so I move on.  Sometimes kicking and screaming and crying.  But I move on.  And it's hard.

10 comments:

Tanya said...

Becky, my heart bleeds for your pain. This is one of those bumps in the road, but you will make it through! Ask God to help you cope with this pain and to give you strength! That's my prayer for you. May Ben's sweet memories bring you comfort.

God bless-

Tanya

LL said...

You should have found comfort in the candy aisle. Just a thought for next time! ;-)
I love you and hurt for you knowing how much your heart is aching.
xoxo

Amy said...

huggs.. we are down at dhmc oct 19

TMI Tara said...

{{HUGS}}

Jo Jo said...

Mens lingerie would snap me out of anything as well. Sorry for that sad de ja vu.

The Kings said...

oh dear - not a good day at all. I agree - should've been down the chocolate aisle or something at least! Thinking of you . xxx

shirlgirl said...

Sorry for your sad day. There will always be things around to remind you of what you did for your sweet Ben. It's o.k. to cry and scream, too. And yes, it is hard, and we have to put one foot in front of the other just to continue our daily chores, whatever they might be. Love you bunches.

Michelle said...

The will and strength to move on is so hard. sometimes I wonder where this strength comes from and i'm sure its from heavely father. I totally agree with the sweats I would much rather be in sweats all day than jeans, jeans are not one bit comfortable

Sojourner said...

I understand it is hard,but you still have to take it one day at a time one step at a time,you can do it:-) It will get easier,promise!

Jenny said...

next time just ease on down the road.
I'm here for you~
XO