THE 29th

Today I was walking through Walmart.  I was looking for some sweats for Kaleb.  I am not a fan of sweat pants at school, but then check out what I'm wearing on a daily basis. (above)  I go for the comfort, not necessarily style.  I mean, c'mon.  Most days you can find me wearing my children's athletic jackets, a t-shirt and stretchy pants.  So I don't say anything when he requests them.  Besides,  a $6 pair of sweat pants is way better than a $40 pair of jeans, right?  But I digress.  I passed the boy section where sometimes I would pick out some comfortable 'stretchy' pants for Ben too.  We lived with comfort.  Today was a first for me regarding clothes and Ben.  I didn't shop much for him because I would usually buy big and let him grow into it for a couple of years.  Because he wasn't walking, it didn't matter if the legs were too long.  I would just fold them up, or fold them down as he grew.  I happened to glance over at the warmer clothes starting to appear on the racks and noticed some fleece outfits that were similar to ones I have purchased for Ben in the past.  A sudden rush of emotions swept over me and I had to duck into an empty aisle full of men's underwear so that I could avoid tears in public.  The underwear was enough to snap me out of my instant sadness thankfully, because I didn't want to linger in the men's lingerie section longer than I had to.  Besides, how weird would THAT look.  Today is the 29th.  A date that over four months ago wouldn't have meant anything to me now gives me a stomach ache every month.  It causes anxiety as it comes and goes.  It causes me great sadness and longing for things to be different.  But they're not different.  And so I move on.  Sometimes kicking and screaming and crying.  But I move on.  And it's hard.