Wednesday, June 30, 2010


Yesterday I got to speak at my daughter's girl's camp.
They asked me to speak about Ben.
I didn't want to do it.
But I knew it would be good for me to.
The theme was:
"Wonder Women"
Ordinary Women who do Extraordinary things.
We all have dreams of what our life will be when we grow up.  Inevitably those dreams don't always come true.  I remember being a little girl and knowing that I wanted to grow up and be married with lots of children.  Seven to be exact.  I had seven siblings (with lots of foster children thrown into the mix) and I loved having lots of brothers and sisters.  I wanted that for my own children.  From the time I was really little, I would start out sitting with my own family in church...on the same row, but as soon as my parent's took their eyes off of me I was under the pews crawling to the nearest baby and would pop back up into that babies pew asking the mom if I could PLEASE hold their baby.  You see, I loved children.  When I became pregnant with Kayla, I had a very difficult pregnancy.  I did with all of them.  Then I had a really difficult birth.  It took a lot to get her to earth.  BUT.  The minute I was able to hold her, I looked at my husband and said, "I want ANOTHER one".  I had so much love to give.  Not just to her, but to future children.  Kaleb came next, then Stevie and finally Benjamin.  Ben's pregnancy was different.  He moved differently and it just felt different.  I was scared.  I cried myself to sleep some nights.  I opted out of any prenatal testing or ultrasounds.  I still had hope that things would be okay.  Then I delivered him.  Things were far from okay.  Again I was scared.  I just wanted my baby.  We just wanted to take him home.  Instead, he was sent up to DHMC.  This is an excerpt from my journal that day. "We arrived around noon and saw them putting electrodes all over your head so that they could do an EEG, a reading on your brain.  They also took you for a CAT scan as well.  From the night before the doctors had given you three doses of phenobarb to help control your possible seizures.  It finally calmed you down and because of that they had to put you on a ventilator.  Friday the fifth of April was probably the hardest day because after they ran a bunch of tests we sat down with all of your doctor's, nurses and the rest of the team so that we could get a feel as to what was wrong. According to the doctor's, you would not have any quality of life.  And your life would be very short.  We were devestated.  I was physically and emotionally exhausted and in so much pain.  It was the hardest day of my life so far."  Going back to the theme, Wonder Woman, I thought about what power I possessed to get me through.  It was LOVE and KNOWLEDGE.  I loved Benjamin more than anything.  I knew that my love for him would allow me to do hard things.  We took Ben home 11 days after giving birth to him.  It wasn't easy and it was very overwhelming.  He came home with all kinds of medications, machines and feeding difficulties.  A lot to worry about on top of trying to mother three very small children.  But I was determined to learn all that I could to be the best mother that I could to Benjamin.  I continued to learn and gain knowledge through his 8 years of life.  I also gained spiritual knowledge and relied on the knowledge that I already had.  Knowing that this was God's plan and knowing that he would help me every step of the way gave me that strength needed to carry on.  As the end neared, Heavenly Father started preparing me.  Again I was scared.  I found a letter written to my mother just two months before Ben passed.  I shared a little bit with the girls at camp. "Dear Mom, WOW!  Another year has gone.  I can say that I am HAPPY to see 2009 go, but also mention that I have grown yet again.  It's funny what perspective does to me.  I look back and think that wasn't so bad, it could have been worse.  I'm grateful for the strength to endure.  I again have renewed energy for what lies ahead.  I know that Ben will be my next big trial and if frightens me.  Not sure how I'll survive that one - losing him I mean.  I know it is coming because I can't stop thinking about it.  Raising him has been such an amazing experience and I don't know what I'll do when I can't physically hold him anymore.  It kills me to think or imagine that.  Thank goodness for the Plan of Salvation and Forever Families."  Losing Benjamin has been the hardest thing I've ever had to endure.  BUT because of my love and because of my knowledge I have peace.  I have the understanding that his mission was fulfilled.  I know that I will be with him again someday and will be able to wrap my loving arms around him and kiss those cheeks once more. 


ANewKindOfPerfect said...

I again come to your blog and read through tears. You are such an amazing and strong Mom. The love for all your children is so awesome.

It was very brave of you to speak at the camp. You really ARE Wonder Woman! :)

shirlgirl said...

Becky, this is an awesome post! You did what you needed to do, and to share your feelings with the gals at camp was heart-rendering. As April would say, this was a very tender moment for you and to share that is wonderful. Benji was an inspiration to all of us and such a sweet spirit, and you are/were the most awesome Mom to all of your children. You always found the time to be there for the other three children, even when Benji was at DHMC. You amaze me, and I love you with all my heart. I remember the first time I met you at Uncle David's apartment in Walpole. I was waiting for him to come home and you came into the apartment and had large pearls around your neck. I said, "Hi, I'm Shirley, your Uncle David's friend". You just looked at me and said nothing, probably trying to figure things out. I think you were six. Anyway, that is a wonderful memory of how we first met.

Jenny said...

You ARE a wonder woman.
You DO hard things.

Cindi said...

They asked the most wonderful of Wonder Women...I wish I had a girl there to be touched by your continue to bless so many, Becky.

LL said...

Wonder Woman is the perfect name for you! And Ben is a hero, to everyone who knew him.
You guys make a great team, both "from Heaven and Earth"
Loved reading that!

The Kings said...

oh how lucky those girls are to listen to you and for you to share your amazing faith and courage with them. The theme in YWs this year is 'strong and courageous' and you are the perfect example of that and so was Ben.

Julie said...

I stumbled upon your blog by hitting the "next blog" button in blogger. I had been hitting this button for about 5 minutes and had come across several very "interesting" blogs before finding yours. I have since sat here in my bed in my college apartment for a few hours now reading your story. I have cried and laughed while reading your posts. I just wanted to let you know that you and your family are an inspiration and I have gained more from these past few hours of reading your blog than I have from the past three years of my University education. God Bless all of you.

Anonymous said...

You are an incredibly strong woman. You, in your self define motherhood. Ben was so fortunate to have you for a Mother.

Although I do not personally know you. I never met Ben (except through the blog) He felt love. God hand picked the "perfect" family for him. One where he was loved and respected and appreciated.

Atlantic Canada Mama

Anonymous said...

Simply put, YOU ARE AMAZING!

April said...

Oh Becky, that was perfect! I'm sure those girls will never forget the power of your message. You are a wonder woman indeed. Love you!

Emily B. said...

I have no doubt you impacted those girls in an eternal way. You are a wonder woman Becky.

Michelle said...

What a Beautitul talk, I wish my girls could have been there to hear it. You are so wonderful! thank you for your example. You are such a awesome mother! Ben loves you so much.

Christy said...

What is so WONDERFUL about you is your ability to share your life with everyone, the good times and bad. You inspire everyone! Good job!