One year ago today I was sitting in a hospital room with an infection in my port. I was 14 weeks pregnant and feeling so lousy. Steve was scheduled to be in Utah for his 20th high school reunion. I remember being overwhelmed at the thought of being stuck in the hospital, my sister at home caring for my other children and Steve being across the country. He sensed my feelings and offered to post pone his trip. Part of me was feeling guilty that he would miss his reunion, but the other part of me was so relieved that I wouldn't be stuck in that lonely room by myself. (he was my only welcome visitor at the time) The next day was our anniversary. It was the second year in a row we spent it in the hospital. Good times. One more day later...that was the day. I knew that I wanted to hear the babies heart beat that day and I was going to ask the doctor if we could. It was the middle of the day and I was taking a nap. Time seemed to pass more quickly when I slept. Besides...there wasn't much else to do. My doctor came to see me but didn't want to bother me because I was sleeping. I was bummed when I woke up later because I thought I had missed my opportunity. She ended up coming back later that day, much later. And it just so happened that Steve was officially off work for the day and he was eating dinner with me. She came in and I happily asked if we could hear the babies heartbeat. "Sure" she said and she left to go get the doppler. She returned with machine in hand and started listening. It seemed like a long time, but she wasn't picking anything up. After about 5 minutes she went to get her little portable ultrasound. I started getting nervous. She came back and looked for quite some time. She could never find that beating heart. I was devastated....again. It had only been a year since I lost Kadee at 20 weeks. The doctor called in an ultrasound tech with the big ultrasound machine to confirm. When I remember that time I can't help but think about all the tender mercies afforded to me. Steve was prompted to stay home from his Utah trip...I can't even imagine having him way across the country when I found out that we had lost the baby. I fell asleep during the time that the doctor came in to see me during the day, otherwise I would have known then and Steve would have been at work. As hard as it was to go through that, I am grateful that things worked in my favor to have Steve by my side.
I can't help but think THREE SUMMERS. Three summers in a row now I have lost a baby. (even though Ben was 8, he was still my forever baby) So, so hard. I am not bitter, or angry...nor do I question why. But it's hard. And I get sad. And then I pick myself up again because life continues on whether or not you want it to. It's summer. There is a lot of fun to be had and I think I am ready.