Friday, January 15, 2010


These onsies hang in my closet.  I bought them two years ago when I found out I was first pregnant.  Seven years it took us to get pregnant.  We waited a LONG time.  From the very minute I found out, I KNEW I was having a girl.  I was so excited. Then I got really, really sick.  I might have done some more shopping had I not been glued to my bed and vomit bowl.  Probably a good thing now.  Then it happened again.  The second pregnancy was a surprise.  A shock really.  We both came to the conclusion that I was just TOO sick to do it again.  Never mind the fact that I almost died.  I guess Heavenly Father had other plans.  I was afraid...for many reasons.  I was afraid to be so sick and I was afraid it might happen again.  And then it did.  I just didn't understand why, but I accepted it.  Sometimes I think about WHY.  Why did I have to be SO sick...twice...for months...only to end up losing both babies.  But mostly I choose not to dwell on it because I have faith that things worked out the way they were supposed to, as hard as it was.  This week was my due date...and these onsies are still hanging in my closet. 


Christy said...

Dear dear Becky! I think it is beautiful that you hang something of rememberence. Those sweet babies are yours forever! I think that answereing the "WHY" in all our lifes takes a long time, but the answers will come individually as we choose faith as you mentioned.
Leave up the onsies.
Love you!

Smilin' sunshine said...

You are such an amazing woman. Hard as it is now, which I can't imagine how hard it is, my mom always tells me, at least she will have them in the next life. That is something to hold on to!!

The Mormon Monk said...

Oh, Becky. I love you. Maybe you should take those onesies and wrap one in three boxes--one for Kayla, Bubby, and Stevie--with a note for them to read on their wedding days. Preserve a memory and anticipate joy. Not to offer unwanted suggestions; just the first thought I had when I saw the picture.

April said...

Oh sweet Becky.
I'm crying for you. You have been through so much. I know Heavenly Father shares your tears and that he stands by you on the hard days when your missing your babies. I love you!

TMI Tara said...

Many things are hard to understand, but I know (and you know) that the joy you will one day have will compensate for the pain you have now. In the meantime, it sucks. Love you, girl. xo

LL said...

I love you my friend~

The VW's said...


Jenny said...


Emily B. said...

I've decided it must be a sad week all around. Thank heavens for dear friends with shoulders to cry on. I love you!

Apes said...

I halfway know what you are going through and wonder what it will be like when my "due date" goes by. My sister-in-law has the same due date as I I'm thinking that that day will definitely be bitter sweet. I too am a believer in everything happens for a reason (but I'm still searching for that reason).

troutdalite said...

how fun when someday your family is more balance "in the pink"! I had a "girl box' for years. I finally gave the gifts on to those having girls. I loved the idea of wrapping them with letters for the kids. more evidence of your family love and devotion. they'll treasure them.

Jo Jo said...

I thought Z's comment was sweet. It could probably wait until your girls are expecting themselves, but I would treasure it if I was in their place. I remember those onesies well. They are cute. You are too. And doing so well.

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Alana said...

That's pretty crumby Beck and you've been through a lot of crumby stuff. Love and prayers. My heart aches for you.