SAD

I woke up this morning and I knew that Ben wasn't going home.  You can see it in his eyes.  They just aren't well.  Last night his vent settings were increased.  This morning he had an x-ray taken that looks worse than when he first got back to Dartmouth.  His oxygen levels have been normal until last night into this morning.  Now he's bouncing between 30 and 40% oxygen.  He just doesn't look like Ben.  Steve came to pick me up.  I needed to come home to see my family.  We got back just in time to pick up Stevie from her bus stop.  She was HAPPY...until she learned that Ben didn't come home.  I scooped her up and took her to the library for some alone time and a new book.  We left from there to pick up Kaleb from his practice and say hello to Kayla before she started her practice.  Kayla comes bounding in the gym, screaming with JOY when she spots me.  She wraps her arms around me, kisses me on my cheek and looks me in the eyes and says: "Ben's home, right?"  She knew by the way I looked back at her that he wasn't.  It killed me to see her melt.  I watched the first 15 minutes of her practice and I was glad I stayed.  She lost it in the middle of one of her drills.  At first I thought she got hurt.  The coach had her cornered and she was sobbing.  I ran over only to find out that she wasn't hurt on the outside, just hurting on the inside.  More nights worrying about Ben, more time away from me.  It's hard.  Sometimes she just doesn't want to do it anymore...and I can't blame her.  She didn't want to finish practice so I packed her up and took her home.