I'M BACK!

Sorry for my long awaited post...I'm sure most of you understand my long inbetween absences. I was admitted to the hospital again this past week, only to return late last night to my wonderful bed. Even though I was being hydrated through my port, my food intake was getting less and less. In the ten days prior to my admission I was losing more and more weight. I had a hard time eating because my stomach was not only nauseous but it was constantly in pain, making eating anything a really big chore. It got to the point where I was eating only a bite of toast in the morning and maybe a bite or two of some scrambled eggs - and then I would end up throwing it up anyway. I could feel my energy level rapidly decrease - to where even getting out of bed to go to the bathroom was really labor intensive. My doctor talked about doing TPN (total nutrition through my port) for the last couple of weeks but I kept saying no. Saturday when my husband again saw how little food I was consuming told me that first thing Monday I was going to the doctor to get started with the TPN. I agreed. That night a friend who had my three older children brought them back and checked in on me to see how I was doing. Seeing me in my very weakened condition she kept asking me if I wanted her to take me to the hospital. I was too tired and too weak to think about getting up so I kept saying "no, I'll go first thing in the morning". She kept asking, "are you sure?" Yes...I'll be fine. She would leave my room only to return a few minutes later to ask me the same question over and over. (I think she was worried) This went on for over half an hour and I was internally annoyed because I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Finally because I knew she wasn't going away, I conceded. She took me to the ER where Steve met me. (he was working) They admitted me and there I stayed for the next 6 days. I finally got my TPN and noticed an immediate difference after a few days. My energy level was much better. I actually did not vomit the whole time I was there and gained back 2 of the 10 lbs. that I had lost. I arrived home again last night and because I had to deal with the visiting nurse getting me all set up again for home TPN I ended up throwing up - bummer. I was afraid of that. This morning I woke with a pressure over my eyes which probably means that the rate is too fast on my pump. They will decrease the rate today but hopefully it will still be enough to maintain my fluid needs. It's quite the balance. Through all of this I have been blessed with the love and concern of family and friends. I really enjoy the notes of encouragment that I receive - whether through email or mail, the service that has been rendered to my family by meals or cleaning of my house and the little gifts that have been sent. Last night I came home to a pajama gram from my friend Heather - new pajamas!!! She wrote, "if you have to be in bed all day you might as well look good doing it!" Thanks so much Heather, I can't wait to put them on.

NAUSEA IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

This is my port that was surgically placed above my heart. It enables me to receive the hydration that I need during this stage of my pregnancy. It's been in a week and so far I am not having any issues like I had with the PIC lines. (thankfully) Aside from some tenderness and itching it's a blessing.

( The only reason you see old blood is from the steri strips placed over the stitches. The black thing is the actual needle that they stick through my skin into the port. This has to be changed once a week - which happened to be today. Very painful since I am really bruised from surgery and very tender in that area.)

*****

Okay, I give up. I don't know how much more of this I can take...I'm plain miserable with a side of vomit. I keep thinking that it's all downhill from here but it still seems I'm climbing an uphill battle. I haven't posted since my port surgery - mainly because I can't get out of the fetal position. It went well, very painful, but successful. I was rescued this week by Rachael - my brother's wife. She took my 3 older kids down to her house for the week. I'm ready to be a functioning mother again, but my body is not. I'm tired of being holed up in my bedroom while I listen to neighborhood children playing underneath my window in the warm sunshine. I feel like I'm so disconnected from society. I told my mother that I'm starting to feel a titch depressed. I'm tired of bread and crackers and I'm tired of my stomach always hurting. I'm tired of the burn that my throat feels from throwing up so much. I'm tired of dragging around my IV pump and bags every time I have to get out of my bed. I'm tired of looking like Boo Radley in To Kill A Mockingbird. I'm tired of having to rely on other people to survive. I'm tired of having to switch my IV bags in the middle of the night when all I want to do is to fall back asleep. I'm just plain old tired.
*****

PS: Ben's procedure did not go as well as I had hoped. Because Ben has such tight contractures throughout his body, they did a baclofen trial with him. Baclofen is a medication used to help relax his tight muscles. They injected the med. right into his spine and allowed about 3 hours to pass before determining if it had helped relieve his muscles any. There was hardly any improvement. They did give him a really conservative dose and so it was determined that he would have another trial at a much higher dose. That means another sleepover in the PICU. If this works then we will consider putting in a baclofen pump which will pump the med into his spine continuously.

*****

PPS: I cut my hair and donated it to "Locks Of Love". I couldn't stand taking care of SO much hair in my condition. I'll post a picture when I'm feeling better.

I'M STILL HERE...

Just here to give a quick update on my life as a pregnant mama. I mentioned to everyone that I had a pic line inserted before coming home from the hospital so that I could stay hydrated and not end up BACK in the hospital. The pic line is usually good for 6 weeks - but mine only lasted 4 days. Why? Because it became SO painful in my arm and shoulder. The pain followed the path of the catheter (10 inches) from the bend in my elbow all the way up to my shoulder. It was so severe that I couldn't even sleep and everytime I moved it was terrible. Of course this all happened on a Saturday and so it made things a little more difficult. My visiting nurse eventually got me set up and I went to the hospital to have another pic line placed in my other arm. This one lasted about 5 days before the pain started setting in. We even tried warm compresses to hopefully help take away some of the discomfort but in the end it didn't work and because I agreed to go longer the pain was even worse this time. Again it was a Saturday and so I waited in the ER for hours as they pulled my line and put in a peripheral (regular) IV. They gave me fluids and sent me home to get through the weekend. Monday I had to have it replaced since they don't like you to go more than 72 hours with the short lines. Back to the ER to have it replaced and hopefully find a more permanent solution. In the end it was decided that I would have a port-a-cath surgically placed in my chest to help with my hydration and enteral nutrition. My surgery is set up for Thursday at noon. I'm a little anxious about it. In the meantime I still have my short line. Last night things got a little hairy because I woke up this morning to my kids gasping at me. What? They informed me that my line had pulled loose from my IV during the night. My bed was soaked with blood and IV fluid. I was a mess - but thankful that I didn't bleed out which could have been the case. I had no idea as I had been sleeping during this process. SCARY! Hopefully things will settle down after this. I have my mom up here this week which has been wonderful. She has come to my rescue.:) Nothing like a little mom help to make you feel better. She's completed a mountain load of laundry - she even washed all my pillows - cleaned my refrig, made quite a few freezer meals, took over my kids schedules, mended and altered many items of clothing, switched my children's clothing from winter to summer, cleaned their rooms (THAT was a feat in and of itself), helped with Ben, and the list goes on and on. Whew! I'm dizzy just watching her. Friday I take Ben to Dartmouth for a procedure. We'll stay over night in their PICU while he recovers so I'll do some updating at that point. Thanks for being patient with me during my absence.

BLOGGING FRIENDS FOREVER!

How can I NOT get off my pillow and blog about my most wonderful surprise that came today in the mail. See that smile on my face? My family has not seen that in weeks. (normally I would not show my sickly/pasty face to cyberspace but this was a special occassion)

*****

Thankyou

LL and Smartmama

*****

for making my day, week, month...oh heck...my pregnancy. That glow on my face? Not so much pregnancy, but the feeling you get when people care. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my new painting and all the little treats that go with it. Thankyou from the bottom of my (not so much) pregnant belly.

*****

Blogging Friends ARE forever!! :)

9 WEEKS

I'm back - but just for a minute. Please don't get your hopes up though because I am barely surviving as it is. Now that my children have been informed, I can share with the rest of cyberspace that we are expecting #5 this coming December. We are thrilled! Unfortuanately I am very sick. I just got out of the hospital after a 5 day stay due to dehydration from vomiting. Most know that my pregnancies are very difficult and so in order to prevent repeated hospital stays, I had a PIC line inserted before coming home so that I could have IV fluids 24/7. I also have been given a medication to help with nausea and vomiting. So due to the fact that I can barely lift my head off my pillow for more than a few minutes I will not be blogging regularly. I will miss you, my cyberfriends...and even though I may not comment on your blogs for awhile, know that I am thinking of you!:)
My PIC line...

FUNNY!

So yesterday...I was on my own. NOT because my husband was working...but because he was GOLFING! Not only was he golfing, but he was THREE HOURS away, golfing in a tournament. That means he was out of the house by 6am and didn't arrive home until 9:30pm - a whole day devoted to golf. Must be nice. Really, I'm okay with it except I was a little grumpy when he didn't make it home for Family Home Evening. (he forgot to share with me the little detail that it was down on the CAPE) Anywho...I survived. No big deal. Did my usual 5 loads of laundry, swept and washed my kitchen floors, made all three meals for the day, attended Kayla's track meet, brought Ben to his PT appointment, helped the kids with their homework, had FHE, and tucked all the kiddos into bed. After all was said and done, in rolls my husband. I was a little perplexed as to why his long face when he came into the bedroom. He proceeded to turn around and that's when I saw it. The back of his pants were ripped...to make things even funnier, he told me it happened when he slid out of the car upon arrival that morning. SO...that means he golfed a WHOLE day with the breeze a flappin' on his backside.

Made for good entertainment on the golf course...

GOLF, anyone?

RELEASED

Trip to Boston with the YW

It was a really sad day for me yesterday as I was released from the Young Women program at church. I have been with these girls for more than 6 years - I have even seen some of them get married and have children! My favorite part was being with Kayla. It's been great and I have enjoyed everything about them. I know that I'll be back again someday but until then, I'll really miss working with them.

Mom and Kayla
Sleepover at the Temple President's house

(dressed in their PJ best!)

Blankets for our YW!

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

One cannot forget mother and remember God. One cannot remember mother and forget God. Why? Because these two sacred persons, God and mother, partners in creation, in love, in sacrifice, in service, are as one.

President Thomas S. Monson

MY MOTHER...

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

I couldn't ask for a better mom than you...

(now if you'd only come visit me more often)
wink, wink

Now I know where my kids get their cuteness from...
August 13, 1942...
In case you may not know...

I have the CRAZIEST mom in the world!

My dad took this picture...it's one of my favorites.

"Everything I am and hope to become I owe to my angel mother."

President James E. Faust

*****

I love you my beautiful mother...

MT WASHINGTON WEEKEND

We had a HUGE room - I was greatful for lots of space. Pardon the mess, I should have taken pictures of it before it was vandalized.:)
Stevie sprawling...
Poor Kayla was so good to sleep in the cot...
some views of our messy room...
another angle...

we ate lots of good food...
the fruit was the best part of breakfast...
Stevie had a hard time deciding what to eat...
Ben decided to sleep during breakfast...
my three kiddos...
The POOL! We spent lots of time here...
most of the time we had it to ourselves...
the kids jumped from pool to hot tub to pool...
playing games together...
my three amigos...

waiting for dinner...
huh?
this was during the moose hunt that we participated in. The hotel hid approximately 50 stuffed moose all over the hotel and only those that had hunting licenses could hunt for them. (there were about 11 teams) We could only find one at a time and had to bring it back to be tagged before hunting for more. It was slow going with Ben and his wheelchair. I think we found only two. The winner brought home a GINORMOUS stuffed bull moose.
no...not this one...
Ben!:)