Thursday, June 26, 2008


This is my port that was surgically placed above my heart. It enables me to receive the hydration that I need during this stage of my pregnancy. It's been in a week and so far I am not having any issues like I had with the PIC lines. (thankfully) Aside from some tenderness and itching it's a blessing.
( The only reason you see old blood is from the steri strips placed over the stitches. The black thing is the actual needle that they stick through my skin into the port. This has to be changed once a week - which happened to be today. Very painful since I am really bruised from surgery and very tender in that area.)
Okay, I give up. I don't know how much more of this I can take...I'm plain miserable with a side of vomit. I keep thinking that it's all downhill from here but it still seems I'm climbing an uphill battle. I haven't posted since my port surgery - mainly because I can't get out of the fetal position. It went well, very painful, but successful. I was rescued this week by Rachael - my brother's wife. She took my 3 older kids down to her house for the week. I'm ready to be a functioning mother again, but my body is not. I'm tired of being holed up in my bedroom while I listen to neighborhood children playing underneath my window in the warm sunshine. I feel like I'm so disconnected from society. I told my mother that I'm starting to feel a titch depressed. I'm tired of bread and crackers and I'm tired of my stomach always hurting. I'm tired of the burn that my throat feels from throwing up so much. I'm tired of dragging around my IV pump and bags every time I have to get out of my bed. I'm tired of looking like Boo Radley in To Kill A Mockingbird. I'm tired of having to rely on other people to survive. I'm tired of having to switch my IV bags in the middle of the night when all I want to do is to fall back asleep. I'm just plain old tired.
PS: Ben's procedure did not go as well as I had hoped. Because Ben has such tight contractures throughout his body, they did a baclofen trial with him. Baclofen is a medication used to help relax his tight muscles. They injected the med. right into his spine and allowed about 3 hours to pass before determining if it had helped relieve his muscles any. There was hardly any improvement. They did give him a really conservative dose and so it was determined that he would have another trial at a much higher dose. That means another sleepover in the PICU. If this works then we will consider putting in a baclofen pump which will pump the med into his spine continuously.
PPS: I cut my hair and donated it to "Locks Of Love". I couldn't stand taking care of SO much hair in my condition. I'll post a picture when I'm feeling better.


Wiggles said...

Good to see an update. I'm so sorry that you are still not doing well. It was great to visit with you for a bit tonight. Call me if you need anything.


Ashlee said...

That really looks painful but I'm glad it is helping out some. It's so great that you have had so much help with your wee ones. Hang in there!

N1RKW said...

We all miss you and are praying for you. I'm glad for the update, but I'm sorry to hear that you are suffering so much.
Just remember that no matter how disconnected you feel from society, your friends still love, care, and worry about you. Please tell Steve to stop saying that you're "fine" when we ask about you, because that obviously is not the case. :)
Let us know if we can help in any way, we'll even be happy to watch your kids if you like. (don't worry, I won't teach them any more "new" words...)

LL said...

oh dear Becky. this post made me want to cry.
Rachael is a SAINT--your kids are in good hands. i'm sure they miss you but she's keeping them busy.
you'll have to ask Kaleb who that fun old lady was riding the GIANT water slide. YEP, that was ME! Kaleb and I are pretty much BFF's.
wish I could help you Becky...i'm so sorry you feel like this!

smart mama said...

i am so sorry you are still so miserable. I pray that the time will pass quickly, that it will be more manageable for you- I know it is hard to care about naything on the planet, but I hope there is some coping you can find to make life more managable!(My husband has to give me foot massages every day when i am pregnant- to help me stay sane)I will be back on the 11th of july- let me know if i can do anything- please!
i am sorry things didn't go better for Ben-

Michelle said...

Oh Backy, I can't even relate to what you are going through maybe just a titch because I was sick to but nothing like that. I became very depressed but the days went on and EVENTUALLY it ended, but I know for you while you are experiencing this it feels like an eternity! Hang in there and know that lots of people care for you!

Gilbert Family said...

It sounds like you need some good books to keep you company (maybe you are too sick to read) but if you think you could handle it...try The Host. It's pretty entertaining. I am about 1/4 of the way through and I am intrigued! Hopefully you have already been introduced to the Twilight series (the best) If not, those are AWESOME too!

Hang in's GOT TO get better soon! Good for you for donating your BEAUTIFUL locks to such a great cause. You really have the most beautiful hair!

Smilin' sunshine said...

I am so sorry you are so sick. I will also keep you and your family in my prayers.

Get well soon!! Not comforting, I know, but I do hope you get better soon!!

Christy said...

It does make me so sad to think of you in this condition, you've always been such a rock of a person. You still are! Pain has a way of deflating us. Love you love you love you!
we keep you in our prayers always!
We always have a soft spot for Ben too.

troutdalites said...

becky, i looks so painful! I'm such a wimp--I could never make it through a pregnancy with all those negatives. You are such a trooper! The little baby smiles and cuddles will be such payback. My little guys finally doubled his birthweight. He's such a squishy ball of fun now. Can't wait for you to have one too! Take care of you.
pps I can't believe you cut your beautiful hair, but it will be so much easier to deal with. You and Stevie can be 'twins.' : )

Amy said...

oh becky!!!!! I have been out of the blogging world for a bit and am catching up - only to find out your are pregnant but suffering so much!!! Ughhhhh! I am soo soooo sorry you aren't doing well. It makes me feel so bad for you. I don't think i realized you have such horrible pregnancies. does it last all nine months?!?!??! I hope not!!! How do you do that and still take care of your other kids? You are one amazing person. You really are!! Best of luck. I will be praying for you!

Jenn said...

We love you and are praying for you! I'm sorry you're going through all of this. I've never been through this level of illness, but when I was sick with my last pregnancy, I know I got really frustrated with not being able to do the basic things. The same was true in the months following our car accident. I'm sorry for how you must feel. Know that we love you and try to remember that all of this is temporary. We love you!

Ben Hutchins said...

Hey Becky... just wanted yuo to know I was thinking of you today... as I do quite often. I went to the temple put your name on the prayer roll... I'm sure MOm and Dad have done this as well - but being so far away I only wish I could help out more.

Love you!

paulak said...

You are a saint. I am praying for you and I will pray for a great nurse to come knock on your door to help you out. I am sorry you are not feeling well, I really don't know how you feel, but I do hurt for you. We all are thinking of you and pray you are back on your feet soon.

Homeschool Mom said...


I love you and am praying for you and your baby. I hope you will let us know what we can do.


Heather O. said...

I do believe you have superpowers, girl. Or have I told you that already?

Hang in there. Wish I could send a spoonful of sugar to make the medicene go down...

Adam and Anya said...

I would be over your house washing your bathroom floors right now if I didn't live 3,000 miles away.

In the meantime I'll be praying for you and your family. I hope you can rest and recover quickly.

What a journey you are taking! I would love to read your "book of life" someday.

Cindi said...

Hi Becky...I have been praying for you. What are you eating? I will bring you something yummy if you get a craving...just let me know! I feel so badly. I hate nausea--I would rather have pain. So sorry for you.

smart mama said...

i just wanted you to know i was thinking about you today! I hope you are hanging in- please update us soon on how you are surviving or not surviving!

LL said...

thinking about you!!!