SPEED BUMPS

Nobody ever thought about life AFTER Ben.  It was just too hard.  You can't really imagine what it's like to live without someone you love with every fiber of your being until you actually go through it.  And it's really, really hard.  Along with the normal "longing" for Ben, there are always unexpected 'speed bumps' along the way.  Things that I never thought I would be dealing with four months down the road.  Things that are painful reminders that I no longer have Ben beside me.  Like today for instance.  I was sitting in my living room in front of my pellet stove and eating my homemade chili when out of the blue there was a loud HONK in my driveway.  I about jumped out of my skin because it startled me so much.  I looked out and there was my postal lady.  Darn that postal lady.  I can't say I blame her for not wanting to get out of the car to deliver a package or whatever, but really?  Could you maybe be a little less hard on that horn of yours and maybe give it a cute "toot, toot" instead of laying on it?  Just a thought.  I dropped what I was doing because heaven forbid you should make her wait.  I ran out half thinking (and it made me smile) that maybe I was getting a package in the mail.  I saddled up to the car window and she handed me this envelope that I needed to sign.  A certified letter from Ben's infusion company.  My heart sank.  You see, a month earlier the company called looking for it's feeding pump that was on loan to us.  I packaged it up the way they wanted and set it out on the porch waiting for them to pick it up.  They  never came.  Instead they went to Becky Billin's house because sometimes we had stuff delivered there when I was sick with my last two pregnancies.  They still had her address in the system I guess.  We made arrangements for attempt number 2 and they still went to her house.  It started to become slightly annoying.  (could you PLEASE just pick up the darn pump at the RIGHT house)  Finally they retrieved their precious pump and I was finally able move on.  Fast forward to today when I received said certified letter.  Inside they stated that they have repeatedly tried to get a hold of me (huh?!?) and that the pump that I have is NOT mine.  (I don't have any pump)  And that if I don't give back said pump, there will be legal actions taken against me.  The letter also included a bill for $999 for the pump.  I called them up immediately, had to go through about 10 different people, telling my story 10 different times before I finally got to a man named Dave.  Poor Dave.  He was the one that got my tears.  I had had enough up to this point and I explained to him everything including the fact that my son passed away four months ago and that this was painful to have to deal with this kind of nonsense.  I don't have your pump and PLEASE stop harassing me about it.  (it's not really his fault)  He was really nice and apologized profusely.  He told me things would be taken care of and that I should not be receiving anymore letters or phone calls regarding this pump.  (sigh)

The 'speed bumps' unfortunately WILL come.

I just need to take them slow.

(now if I could just get all the mail that I STILL get on a daily basis for Ben to STOP coming)

I miss you Ben!

DID YOU MISS ME?

I was on a break.

Time Outs are much funner with friends.

Thank you for sharing your weekend with me.

(and everything else that goes along with it)

xo

The END!

STEVIE AND SOCCER

I LOVE that Stevie is playing soccer.  It was my fall love growing up.  She's doing quite well being the only 6th grader on a 7th and 8th grade team.  She even scored one of the goals last week.  But mostly?  I LOVE that one of her teammates after the game yesterday did a double take on me when I was walking over to the bench and said, "WOW Stevie...your mom looks JUST like you!!!"  And you know what?  Instead of being embarrassed, she broke out in a GREAT.BIG.SMILE!

THAT HAT

It suited him quite well.

He was pretty dapper under that brim.

These pictures make me smile.

But they make my heart ache.

What I wouldn't give to kiss those cheeks.

Or hold those hands.

My love for you continues to grow.
Just as much as the pain of missing you.

xo

MY CAMERA

My camera broke a couple weekends ago.  I was so sad.  You know me, I like taking pictures.  It's fun to document life as you travel through.  I've been borrowing a camera the last few days and wondered what I was going to do with mine.  The part that you click to take a picture broke.  Today I was at lunch with Steve (another lunch date) and showed him the camera.  I saw a paper clip on his desk and had the brilliant idea of sticking it down the hole to see if it would make the camera click.  It worked!  My camera is now jerry rigged and it's AWESOME! My kids are so proud.  (kinda not)  I'll be front and center at their various activities with my camera.  Seems like that's just how life goes sometimes.  My van...that's another beauty.  Our driver side window doesn't roll down anymore.  Steve took the door panel off to see if he could fix it. Do you know what the door looks like without the panel?  Not so pretty.  He says it'll cost $60 for the motor.  So, it goes on the list of things to fix.  It's super fun when going through a toll booth.  Yesterday we gave Kayla the job of handing the money to the toll collector.  She sat behind Steve and had to slide the van door open and hand the money over.  She was so embarrassed.  We told her it was good practice for when she's driving.  I love having imperfect things.  It makes life more exciting and real.  It builds character in my children.  And most of all?  Priscilla would be proud!

this is "MEAN COP" face.  It's the face he wears when he's on duty. 

(so he tells me, don't really believe him cuz he's a big softy with most of the high school kids)

YA?  Well this is my "I'm eating Twizzlers" face.  It's the face I put on after my lunch dates with Steve. ;)

THE YELLOW BUG

We took the kids out the other night for some fun in the park.  On our way home Steve spotted THIS yellow beauty.  It's a vintage bug.  The two oldest were BEGGING to take it home.  They were envisioning THIS being the car they would drive when they got their license. (keep dreaming)  I told them driving a vintage mini van would be just as cool.  (it's 10 years old, that counts, right?)  Besides, if anyone got a new (old) car...it would be ME!  We had a good laugh watching Steve try to fit inside.  Have you ever seen the movie "The Incredibles"?  If so, you'll know why we were laughing. :)

We had our fun for the night and then said goodbye to the cute, yellow bug.  

THANK GOODNESS IT'S FRIDAY

JUST ME AND HIM

Whenever Ben was in the PICU (which was often), you could always find me snuggled in bed with him.  Besides, it was WAY more comfortable then my window bench.  I was going through my pictures today (which I do often) and found a few of me in bed with Ben.  I wanted to post them.

MY EYES...

They hurt today.

They hurt from crying.

I don't like crying because it's too painful and it gives me a headache.
Plus I can't breathe through my nose and my face gets red.

But today I couldn't help it.
I just miss Ben so much.

If you're tired of hearing me say that, 

you might want to reconsider visiting my blog.

Cuz it's gonna happen a lot.
I did so well last week, not doing so well this week.

This morning I found out a HUGE mistake (my fault) on my verizon cell phone bill.

I called begging for mercy on my oversight.

There was none to give.  

It was my fault.

This mistake will cost me hundreds.

No mercy.

I called back an hour later asking to speak to a supervisor.

The kind lady was patient with me through my tears.
(it was already a not so good morning)
She realized that it just might not be my mistake after all.

Her voice was so kind and I was so grateful.

She told me she would take care of it and to wipe my tears.
I did.

So instead of going to my karate class,

I visited my husband at work.

I needed comfort

and thankfully he gave it.

He's kind that way.

I'm lucky to have him.

Then I drove over to Kaleb's school to meet with a teacher.

I was sitting in my car waiting for the meeting to start.

I got a knock on my window,

it was cute Stevie.
She saw me and had to come say hello.

She looks at me with my sunglasses on and says

"Mom, why are you crying?"
I was teary, but not crying.

Besides...how did she know?
I was wearing my dark sunglasses.

That Stevie...she's a smart cookie.

I walked her back to where she was having lunch and gave her a big smooch.

Then I got to sit in the office and make small talk with the secretaries until my meeting started.

The principal came out to see me.

She wanted to tell me how great Stevie did on the soccer field the day before.

Stevie is quite the soccer player.

She scored the only game for her team.

I thanked her for the compliment and braced myself for talk about Ben.

I knew it was coming.
I haven't seen her since Ben's funeral.

I was feeling too vulnerable to talk about him right then.

Problem is?

People don't always know that.

But there it was.

She wanted to know how the family was doing since his passing, etc. etc.

She was very sweet about it.

I just smiled while swallowing back my tears.

Thankfully it worked because once it starts, 

there's NO stopping it.

That's just how I'm feeling today.

This picture below sums it up.

While everyone around me smiles and laughs,

inside this is how I feel.

Sad and missing Ben.

I can't help it.

He was an amazing little boy.

I miss his unconditional love and remarkable spirit,

wrapped up in a perfect little body named Benjamin.

HOMEWORK

My least favorite thing about 'back to school'?  HOMEWORK!  Poor Kaleb keeps falling asleep reading his history book.  (can't say I blame him)  We've been working on his homework now since he arrived home from school and soccer at  6pm.  It's now 10:15pm.  Four hours is WAY too much for a kid with an IEP.  I did all I could to help him and finally had to enlist the help of his sister that had the same classes just last year.  I have determined that I am NOT smarter then an 8th grader.  (thank goodness for Kayla and her cheerful countenance)  I spy Ben's elephant, do you? :)