Saturday, April 11, 2009

TIRED

It's always interesting to me the emotions that come rolling out once I jump back in to everyday, normal life. Mostly because I'm tired, physcially, mentally and emotionally spent. It's what I like to call the 'let down' from the hospital. I put on my brave face and swallow all the stress and emotions of the situation, until I come home. Being surrounded by sick children is just not normal. Sitting in an Intensive Care Unit for 26 days straight is just not normal. Seeing your child COVERED with needle marks because he is such a hard stick is not normal. Wondering how much longer your son can go through these illnesses is just not normal. But, I also know how privelaged I am to be caring for such an incredible little boy and I would do it again and again and again. SO... when I first come home, sometimes I cry. Sometimes I don't want to show my face in public for a little while. It can all be overwhelming. People that I run into have 'heard' about our big adventure, but might not know details and so they ask. Then I tell the story....again. Depending on my mood at the moment, I might smile or I might cry. I'm what you would call unpredictable. I'm also tired. (did I mention that already?) This whole trip has finally caught up with me. I'm plain exhausted - to the point that I feel physically ill. It happens. It's even better when people LET you know how tired you look. THAT'S my favorite. "You look TIRED". Thankyou, because those dark circles under my eyes didn't tell me that already. Just another reminder. That's why I appreciate this picture - it's one that Stevie took. She was a little off on her camera work...but I didn't mind. She mostly left out my tired eyes. It's also captures how I feel. I'm happy to be home. I'm happy that Ben is still with us. I'm happy to be with my family again. I'm happy to be making them dinners and doing their laundry. Things that are taken for granted each day. But I'm also hiding for a bit, atleast until I can get my crazy emotions under control. Just call me Willow.

16 comments:

FAMILIA FLANDERS said...

Oh Beccky you are a remarkable woman, and a big example to me, we all love you very much, and hope that you will feel better soon. You are always in my prayers.

Smilin' sunshine said...

I think you look great no matter what. I like to hide when I cry too, unfortunately it seems I am usually in public when my emotions come out and then I look like a raspberry. All red and blotchy~not pretty, trust me!

So glad you are home!

Rachael said...

Oh Becky you are such an amazing woman. You are an inspiration to me. If I was in Boston I would drive to New Hampshire for the day and play with your kids even for a couple hours while you caught up on some much needed sleep. Hope you guys have a happy Easter.

Mostly Stacie's Space said...

I love and we pray for every day. Hibernating is a good thing. I hope you can cry your eyes out so that you can get some much deserved rest. Love you lady

April said...

My sweet friend,
Oh I'm sorry that it's all catching up to you...you amaze me with your courage and strength--even when you're so tired...you are in our hearts and prayers ALWAYS!

Jenny said...

Willow, you're a popular woman.
It's good to hide. It's kind of like avoiding the paparazzi when you're a super start. I got your back.
XOXO

Diane said...

You are an amazing woman,an I understand the need for solitude so you can let it all out and refill your own well,relax,can I help in any way, Diane

shirlgirl said...

Oh, my sweet niece. I just don't know where you get your stamina. You are amazing and remarkable, and if you want to hide for awhile, be my guest. Just know that we love you, are so glad that you and Ben are home with the rest of your family. Just do what you want to do and don't worry about the outside world for awhile. You need to TAKE CARE OF BECKY!! Sending lots of love and hugs to you. Aunt Shirley

Jo Jo said...

I'll try not to tell you how tired you sound ;-) Eat meat ;-) Glad you're all back together.

KeriLyn and Matthew said...

you deserve to feel tired....you deserve to "hide" for a little bit, and not to have to tell your stroy over and over again....make sure you take care of yourself a little bit, too....i know, easier said than done....glad you are home with your family, but make sure you take care of yourself!!!

Anonymous said...

Becky, I read this post with tears in my eyes, all the things you said I was thinking about you almost word for word. It is totally NORMAL for you to feel this way, and perfectly ok to hibernate and enjoy day to day family life for a while. People do not realize how bothersome it is to say "you look tired" (I also do not like it when someone is really sick and you hear people say to them "You look awful!" yeah thanks a lot!) You are a great person and a great Mom, hope you have a nice Easter...:)
Luv-Suzanne (Thibodeau-Gale)

Wiggles said...

Do what you need to do. I'm with you. Let me know what I can do to help. It was so good to hear your voice the other day if just for a brief time. Sleep when you can and hide till your heart's content. Love and prayers always!

Michelle said...

There was a little boy up in heaven whom Heavely Father knew exactly which mommy to send him to. You are such a good mom. It is so hard to be TIRED and carry on. I can sympathize but now where near to how tired you are. Thanks for being such a great example

Ashlee said...

I think you look beautiful. :0) Your children are so lucky to have you.

Amy M. said...

I love you Becky. You and your family are more of an inspiration to so many. I've been tired for a lot of different reasons- but when I read your entry- mine seem more miniscule. Thank your for sharing your emotions the ups and the downs. You are amazing to me- even in High school- in the game of basketball you got right back-up when someone pushed you down. You never gave-up on your goals. Keep going Becky- you and your family can do anything with the Love of the Savior on your side.

The Smith Family said...

It's okay to hide. Just don't deprive us of you forever! You are too great to stay hidden for too long! Get some rest and know that you are an amazing Mom and you are so loved!