GRIEVING

Not a lot I want to say on my blog this particular day as I have been through one of the hardest trials of my life. A week ago yesterday I found out that the baby girl that I have been carrying for 20 weeks had passed away. Found out via ultrasound. I was completely devestated. Even harder was having to carry my baby until Friday which was the soonest they could do the surgery necessary to take the baby. Surgery went well. Physically I am recovering quickly. Emotionally I know it will take a long time. I am still grieving so please forgive me in my absence of blogging.

HOME

A BIG thankyou to my sister Jenny for guest blogging while I was in the hospital. She now has her own blog which you can visit...go ahead...show her some LOVE!:)

Jen's.blog

It's good to be home, okay so I'm not actually home but I'm out of the hospital and that's all that matters. My dad picked me up on Saturday from Dartmouth and took me down to Massachusetts so that I could be reunited with my kids. It was good to see them again. To sum up that last hospitalization, it was awful! I woke up with a temp on a Friday and was quickly brought to the ER by my husband because my port had been bothering me and so everyone was worried that it might be infected. Because my port is right next to my heart, you can't mess around with it. I was in the ER for 8 hours before being admitted. Antibiotics were started and I felt awful. The surgeon visited me a couple of times that night to observe my port and was not quite sure the fever was a result of an infected port. By morning my white blood cell count was better which made the surgeon feel even more confident that it wasn't my port that was making me sick. Sunday morning my white blood cell count was down even more BUT the surgeon told me that all of a sudden my blood count plummented and my kidneys were in acute renal failure. Throughout the rest of the morning and afternoon, many doctors were consulted to find out why my body was all of a sudden failing. I was transfused with two units of blood in the meantime and by the afternoon I was informed that they were sending me to Dartmouth because they did not have any answers. I arrived at DHMC around 7pm that night by ambulance. To make a long story short the rest of the week was spent testing and testing and re-testing to find out answers to which there were none. I left not ever knowing why but atleast my counts returned to semi-normal which allowed me to leave the hospital. My pancreas is still having some issues but they felt comfortable enough to let me leave. I will now be seeing a high risk OB doctor at DHMC because of all my problems. The scary thing about not knowing why is that they can't say it won't happen to me again??? My gut feeling is that my TPN that I was on had something to do with it. I'll never know. I'm still struggling with nausea and vomiting but things are looking up. I'm returning to NH tomorrow and can't wait to see my husband. My sister Amy will be coming back with me to help me while I'm still ill. I am so grateful to my family members for all their love and support. I have been waited on hand and foot here at my mom's house. Life is good.

REUNITED! (It was YOUR idea, Becky!)

Having a mini family reunion for a day was FUN! So thanks, Becky--YOU wanted it--we missed you! Hugging YOU would have been more fun than hugging a cardboard insert slot, but we WERE thinking of you all day!

You went SWIMMING! You're back in it, baby!

There was food EVERYWHERE!

Eating good food without you was MEAN! But your kind brother-in-law Roger made sure that you got some nourishment... (and some good bean stains) BY THE WAY--he also gave you that beautiful face that you see adding character to that plain cardboard slot.

All the kids let YOU go first!

You did GREAT hitting the pinata! You even helped flip the burgers! ...Just CAN't have a reunion without YOU! (Let it be known that there were others missing who were missed--thank goodness they don't each have individual blog sites and aren't in the hospital, or I'd feel obligated to stick pictures of their cardboard cutouts on, too!)

We love YOU!!

Can't Smile Without YOU!

...can't smile without YOU!
CAN'T smile without you....

FEEL sad when YOU'RE sad

Feel sad when you're (feeling) BAD

CAN'T LAUGH

Can't SING, findin' it hard to do ANYTHING!

So YOU get better!

Hurry Home!

Allow me to guest blog... ME, the sister who has NEVER in her life done this before! I miss YOU, Becky!


Your darling kids are keeping us happy with their silly antics and crazy personalities--allow me to share some with you:

And now if you can decipher the twisted bodies below,

the kids have made you a message using

Body LANGUAGE!

So Becky is up at Dartmouth... lots of details and I'm sure I won't be able to get them all on this post, but all of you friends of Becky's, know that she's NOT doing so well, but we're hopeful that we will get her back by maybe late in the weekend or early next week. She's had all kinds of things going on, which I'm sure she will document for you very well when she's back at the keyboard. It started with a fever late last week, and she ended up in the ER in Laconia, which turned into being admitted, and then a couple of units of blood through a transfusion and then a transfer to Dartmouth--I could go on, but won't for now. Ben's hanging in there and Becky Billin (BLESS HER!) is the main mom. Steve's at work and The other three Orton-lets are trading spaces with cousins and grandparents in Massachusetts for now. Thank goodness for SUMMER!

I'M BACK!

Sorry for my long awaited post...I'm sure most of you understand my long inbetween absences. I was admitted to the hospital again this past week, only to return late last night to my wonderful bed. Even though I was being hydrated through my port, my food intake was getting less and less. In the ten days prior to my admission I was losing more and more weight. I had a hard time eating because my stomach was not only nauseous but it was constantly in pain, making eating anything a really big chore. It got to the point where I was eating only a bite of toast in the morning and maybe a bite or two of some scrambled eggs - and then I would end up throwing it up anyway. I could feel my energy level rapidly decrease - to where even getting out of bed to go to the bathroom was really labor intensive. My doctor talked about doing TPN (total nutrition through my port) for the last couple of weeks but I kept saying no. Saturday when my husband again saw how little food I was consuming told me that first thing Monday I was going to the doctor to get started with the TPN. I agreed. That night a friend who had my three older children brought them back and checked in on me to see how I was doing. Seeing me in my very weakened condition she kept asking me if I wanted her to take me to the hospital. I was too tired and too weak to think about getting up so I kept saying "no, I'll go first thing in the morning". She kept asking, "are you sure?" Yes...I'll be fine. She would leave my room only to return a few minutes later to ask me the same question over and over. (I think she was worried) This went on for over half an hour and I was internally annoyed because I just wanted to close my eyes and sleep. Finally because I knew she wasn't going away, I conceded. She took me to the ER where Steve met me. (he was working) They admitted me and there I stayed for the next 6 days. I finally got my TPN and noticed an immediate difference after a few days. My energy level was much better. I actually did not vomit the whole time I was there and gained back 2 of the 10 lbs. that I had lost. I arrived home again last night and because I had to deal with the visiting nurse getting me all set up again for home TPN I ended up throwing up - bummer. I was afraid of that. This morning I woke with a pressure over my eyes which probably means that the rate is too fast on my pump. They will decrease the rate today but hopefully it will still be enough to maintain my fluid needs. It's quite the balance. Through all of this I have been blessed with the love and concern of family and friends. I really enjoy the notes of encouragment that I receive - whether through email or mail, the service that has been rendered to my family by meals or cleaning of my house and the little gifts that have been sent. Last night I came home to a pajama gram from my friend Heather - new pajamas!!! She wrote, "if you have to be in bed all day you might as well look good doing it!" Thanks so much Heather, I can't wait to put them on.

NAUSEA IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

This is my port that was surgically placed above my heart. It enables me to receive the hydration that I need during this stage of my pregnancy. It's been in a week and so far I am not having any issues like I had with the PIC lines. (thankfully) Aside from some tenderness and itching it's a blessing.

( The only reason you see old blood is from the steri strips placed over the stitches. The black thing is the actual needle that they stick through my skin into the port. This has to be changed once a week - which happened to be today. Very painful since I am really bruised from surgery and very tender in that area.)

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Okay, I give up. I don't know how much more of this I can take...I'm plain miserable with a side of vomit. I keep thinking that it's all downhill from here but it still seems I'm climbing an uphill battle. I haven't posted since my port surgery - mainly because I can't get out of the fetal position. It went well, very painful, but successful. I was rescued this week by Rachael - my brother's wife. She took my 3 older kids down to her house for the week. I'm ready to be a functioning mother again, but my body is not. I'm tired of being holed up in my bedroom while I listen to neighborhood children playing underneath my window in the warm sunshine. I feel like I'm so disconnected from society. I told my mother that I'm starting to feel a titch depressed. I'm tired of bread and crackers and I'm tired of my stomach always hurting. I'm tired of the burn that my throat feels from throwing up so much. I'm tired of dragging around my IV pump and bags every time I have to get out of my bed. I'm tired of looking like Boo Radley in To Kill A Mockingbird. I'm tired of having to rely on other people to survive. I'm tired of having to switch my IV bags in the middle of the night when all I want to do is to fall back asleep. I'm just plain old tired.
*****

PS: Ben's procedure did not go as well as I had hoped. Because Ben has such tight contractures throughout his body, they did a baclofen trial with him. Baclofen is a medication used to help relax his tight muscles. They injected the med. right into his spine and allowed about 3 hours to pass before determining if it had helped relieve his muscles any. There was hardly any improvement. They did give him a really conservative dose and so it was determined that he would have another trial at a much higher dose. That means another sleepover in the PICU. If this works then we will consider putting in a baclofen pump which will pump the med into his spine continuously.

*****

PPS: I cut my hair and donated it to "Locks Of Love". I couldn't stand taking care of SO much hair in my condition. I'll post a picture when I'm feeling better.

I'M STILL HERE...

Just here to give a quick update on my life as a pregnant mama. I mentioned to everyone that I had a pic line inserted before coming home from the hospital so that I could stay hydrated and not end up BACK in the hospital. The pic line is usually good for 6 weeks - but mine only lasted 4 days. Why? Because it became SO painful in my arm and shoulder. The pain followed the path of the catheter (10 inches) from the bend in my elbow all the way up to my shoulder. It was so severe that I couldn't even sleep and everytime I moved it was terrible. Of course this all happened on a Saturday and so it made things a little more difficult. My visiting nurse eventually got me set up and I went to the hospital to have another pic line placed in my other arm. This one lasted about 5 days before the pain started setting in. We even tried warm compresses to hopefully help take away some of the discomfort but in the end it didn't work and because I agreed to go longer the pain was even worse this time. Again it was a Saturday and so I waited in the ER for hours as they pulled my line and put in a peripheral (regular) IV. They gave me fluids and sent me home to get through the weekend. Monday I had to have it replaced since they don't like you to go more than 72 hours with the short lines. Back to the ER to have it replaced and hopefully find a more permanent solution. In the end it was decided that I would have a port-a-cath surgically placed in my chest to help with my hydration and enteral nutrition. My surgery is set up for Thursday at noon. I'm a little anxious about it. In the meantime I still have my short line. Last night things got a little hairy because I woke up this morning to my kids gasping at me. What? They informed me that my line had pulled loose from my IV during the night. My bed was soaked with blood and IV fluid. I was a mess - but thankful that I didn't bleed out which could have been the case. I had no idea as I had been sleeping during this process. SCARY! Hopefully things will settle down after this. I have my mom up here this week which has been wonderful. She has come to my rescue.:) Nothing like a little mom help to make you feel better. She's completed a mountain load of laundry - she even washed all my pillows - cleaned my refrig, made quite a few freezer meals, took over my kids schedules, mended and altered many items of clothing, switched my children's clothing from winter to summer, cleaned their rooms (THAT was a feat in and of itself), helped with Ben, and the list goes on and on. Whew! I'm dizzy just watching her. Friday I take Ben to Dartmouth for a procedure. We'll stay over night in their PICU while he recovers so I'll do some updating at that point. Thanks for being patient with me during my absence.

BLOGGING FRIENDS FOREVER!

How can I NOT get off my pillow and blog about my most wonderful surprise that came today in the mail. See that smile on my face? My family has not seen that in weeks. (normally I would not show my sickly/pasty face to cyberspace but this was a special occassion)

*****

Thankyou

LL and Smartmama

*****

for making my day, week, month...oh heck...my pregnancy. That glow on my face? Not so much pregnancy, but the feeling you get when people care. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE my new painting and all the little treats that go with it. Thankyou from the bottom of my (not so much) pregnant belly.

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Blogging Friends ARE forever!! :)

9 WEEKS

I'm back - but just for a minute. Please don't get your hopes up though because I am barely surviving as it is. Now that my children have been informed, I can share with the rest of cyberspace that we are expecting #5 this coming December. We are thrilled! Unfortuanately I am very sick. I just got out of the hospital after a 5 day stay due to dehydration from vomiting. Most know that my pregnancies are very difficult and so in order to prevent repeated hospital stays, I had a PIC line inserted before coming home so that I could have IV fluids 24/7. I also have been given a medication to help with nausea and vomiting. So due to the fact that I can barely lift my head off my pillow for more than a few minutes I will not be blogging regularly. I will miss you, my cyberfriends...and even though I may not comment on your blogs for awhile, know that I am thinking of you!:)
My PIC line...