THE 29th

Today I was walking through Walmart.  I was looking for some sweats for Kaleb.  I am not a fan of sweat pants at school, but then check out what I'm wearing on a daily basis. (above)  I go for the comfort, not necessarily style.  I mean, c'mon.  Most days you can find me wearing my children's athletic jackets, a t-shirt and stretchy pants.  So I don't say anything when he requests them.  Besides,  a $6 pair of sweat pants is way better than a $40 pair of jeans, right?  But I digress.  I passed the boy section where sometimes I would pick out some comfortable 'stretchy' pants for Ben too.  We lived with comfort.  Today was a first for me regarding clothes and Ben.  I didn't shop much for him because I would usually buy big and let him grow into it for a couple of years.  Because he wasn't walking, it didn't matter if the legs were too long.  I would just fold them up, or fold them down as he grew.  I happened to glance over at the warmer clothes starting to appear on the racks and noticed some fleece outfits that were similar to ones I have purchased for Ben in the past.  A sudden rush of emotions swept over me and I had to duck into an empty aisle full of men's underwear so that I could avoid tears in public.  The underwear was enough to snap me out of my instant sadness thankfully, because I didn't want to linger in the men's lingerie section longer than I had to.  Besides, how weird would THAT look.  Today is the 29th.  A date that over four months ago wouldn't have meant anything to me now gives me a stomach ache every month.  It causes anxiety as it comes and goes.  It causes me great sadness and longing for things to be different.  But they're not different.  And so I move on.  Sometimes kicking and screaming and crying.  But I move on.  And it's hard.

FOUR MONTHS

Four months down...a life time to go.

THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN...

Mom goes to RSWB and leaves the children home with their father.

(at least it wasn't handcuffs, right?)

HE SCORES

Kaleb doing the "HAPPY DANCE" after his goal. His team won today (again) and this time I got some pretty decent video footage. Not bad for a jerry rigged camera. :)

See the dust that he kicks up in this shot above? That's how he leaves his opponents.

In the DUST!

WITH GRACE

Grace is Kayla's middle name.  She is my daughter that handles most thing with grace, including losing 10-0 to the undefeated Newfound team this afternoon.  It's not easy being the underdog.  This team has 8 starting freshman out of 11 team members.  Out of the 8 freshman, 4 of them are playing field hockey for the first time.  They are doing remarkably well considering.  They have yet to win a game but I can bet you in a couple years they will be the team to beat.  Kayla's position is right in front of the goalie, sweep.  She's a tough gal that Kayla.  I love that she never gives up and she never gets down.  Speaking of tough...check out that bulging thigh muscle below.  Love it!  And I love her!

SAYING GOODBYE

We LOVE this boy.  He came up yesterday to spend the day, watch Kaleb play soccer and say his goodbyes for two years.  Next week he'll be leaving on a two year mission for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.  He's serving in the Panama City, Panama Mission.  I'm excited for this new adventure he'll be going on.  Two years of service.  Two years of sharing the gift that we are so lucky to have.  The Gospel of Jesus Christ.  That's pretty remarkable for a 19 year old.  He'll be giving up dating, TV, computers, cell phones, electronics, swimming, recreation, and anything else that is a distraction from the work he'll be doing.  We'll miss him but we know he'll be in good hands.  Thanks for the visit Roger.  

We LOVE you and will MISS you!

KALEB AND SOCCER

It was a beautiful day for soccer.  Kaleb's team won and he scored. (again)  I didn't get any great shots today.  I was too distracted by the game.  Maybe next time.  He's a giant on the field.  Most of the kids are almost half his size.  But he's a skilled giant.  And I love him.

SEE this awesome shot I took below?  It was of Kaleb scoring his goal.  NICE!  Hire me for your next sport's shot, I've got mad skillz.  (okay, so I got a little distracted watching him score...can you blame me?)

VEGEMITE FROM DOWN UNDER

These are our Aussie friends:

THE KINGS

Lisa and I have so much in common and it's been really fun getting to know her even though she lives on the other side of the world.  Someday I will make it over there to visit.  Promise!  She has a little boy just like Ben.  His name is Noah.  If you have time, check out their blog.  They are a really neat family.

Lisa spoils us with Australia treats every now and then and we LOVE it.  Tim Tams are our favorite!  If I could find them locally, I'd buy them often.  (but it's kind of funner knowing they came straight from her home town)  Just last week we got another package in the mail.  She sent Ben one of Noah's elephants.  So  sweet.  Along with the elephant came another Aussie favorite.  VEGEMITE.  Ever heard of it?  Me neither. I guess they have grown up on this stuff.  It's not sweet, it's something they eat on toast and crackers.  She recommended white bread toasted with butter and a thin spread of the vegemite on top.  Since we don't typically have white bread in the house, I had to wait until I went shopping.  (that was today)  Tonight for FHE we had VEGEMITE for the treat.  (and boy was it)  Worked out perfectly since there is no sugar in it and two of the five are still on a sugar fast.  (go Steve and Kayla)  I toasted the bread, buttered it up and spread a thin layer of what looked like chocolate.

Kayla and Steve were the first to try it.

Stevie went next.

and lastly Kaleb.

The VERDICT?  Kayla nearly choked.

Steve didn't think it was so bad...

at least for the first second.

Stevie said "YUCK!"

Kaleb "blech"

(WHERE are these kids manners?)

And me?  I remembered what my mother taught me.

"Always be polite"

So here I am being polite. :)  It was a fun treat to taste authentic Australian food.  Would I eat this on a regular basis?  Probably not.  A little salty for my taste.  (I'm the type that scrapes the salt off my pretzels)  

But THANK YOU King Family.  Thank you for indulging us.  I hope we made you smile because you sure made us laugh!

SPEED BUMPS

Nobody ever thought about life AFTER Ben.  It was just too hard.  You can't really imagine what it's like to live without someone you love with every fiber of your being until you actually go through it.  And it's really, really hard.  Along with the normal "longing" for Ben, there are always unexpected 'speed bumps' along the way.  Things that I never thought I would be dealing with four months down the road.  Things that are painful reminders that I no longer have Ben beside me.  Like today for instance.  I was sitting in my living room in front of my pellet stove and eating my homemade chili when out of the blue there was a loud HONK in my driveway.  I about jumped out of my skin because it startled me so much.  I looked out and there was my postal lady.  Darn that postal lady.  I can't say I blame her for not wanting to get out of the car to deliver a package or whatever, but really?  Could you maybe be a little less hard on that horn of yours and maybe give it a cute "toot, toot" instead of laying on it?  Just a thought.  I dropped what I was doing because heaven forbid you should make her wait.  I ran out half thinking (and it made me smile) that maybe I was getting a package in the mail.  I saddled up to the car window and she handed me this envelope that I needed to sign.  A certified letter from Ben's infusion company.  My heart sank.  You see, a month earlier the company called looking for it's feeding pump that was on loan to us.  I packaged it up the way they wanted and set it out on the porch waiting for them to pick it up.  They  never came.  Instead they went to Becky Billin's house because sometimes we had stuff delivered there when I was sick with my last two pregnancies.  They still had her address in the system I guess.  We made arrangements for attempt number 2 and they still went to her house.  It started to become slightly annoying.  (could you PLEASE just pick up the darn pump at the RIGHT house)  Finally they retrieved their precious pump and I was finally able move on.  Fast forward to today when I received said certified letter.  Inside they stated that they have repeatedly tried to get a hold of me (huh?!?) and that the pump that I have is NOT mine.  (I don't have any pump)  And that if I don't give back said pump, there will be legal actions taken against me.  The letter also included a bill for $999 for the pump.  I called them up immediately, had to go through about 10 different people, telling my story 10 different times before I finally got to a man named Dave.  Poor Dave.  He was the one that got my tears.  I had had enough up to this point and I explained to him everything including the fact that my son passed away four months ago and that this was painful to have to deal with this kind of nonsense.  I don't have your pump and PLEASE stop harassing me about it.  (it's not really his fault)  He was really nice and apologized profusely.  He told me things would be taken care of and that I should not be receiving anymore letters or phone calls regarding this pump.  (sigh)

The 'speed bumps' unfortunately WILL come.

I just need to take them slow.

(now if I could just get all the mail that I STILL get on a daily basis for Ben to STOP coming)

I miss you Ben!

DID YOU MISS ME?

I was on a break.

Time Outs are much funner with friends.

Thank you for sharing your weekend with me.

(and everything else that goes along with it)

xo

The END!

STEVIE AND SOCCER

I LOVE that Stevie is playing soccer.  It was my fall love growing up.  She's doing quite well being the only 6th grader on a 7th and 8th grade team.  She even scored one of the goals last week.  But mostly?  I LOVE that one of her teammates after the game yesterday did a double take on me when I was walking over to the bench and said, "WOW Stevie...your mom looks JUST like you!!!"  And you know what?  Instead of being embarrassed, she broke out in a GREAT.BIG.SMILE!

THAT HAT

It suited him quite well.

He was pretty dapper under that brim.

These pictures make me smile.

But they make my heart ache.

What I wouldn't give to kiss those cheeks.

Or hold those hands.

My love for you continues to grow.
Just as much as the pain of missing you.

xo

MY CAMERA

My camera broke a couple weekends ago.  I was so sad.  You know me, I like taking pictures.  It's fun to document life as you travel through.  I've been borrowing a camera the last few days and wondered what I was going to do with mine.  The part that you click to take a picture broke.  Today I was at lunch with Steve (another lunch date) and showed him the camera.  I saw a paper clip on his desk and had the brilliant idea of sticking it down the hole to see if it would make the camera click.  It worked!  My camera is now jerry rigged and it's AWESOME! My kids are so proud.  (kinda not)  I'll be front and center at their various activities with my camera.  Seems like that's just how life goes sometimes.  My van...that's another beauty.  Our driver side window doesn't roll down anymore.  Steve took the door panel off to see if he could fix it. Do you know what the door looks like without the panel?  Not so pretty.  He says it'll cost $60 for the motor.  So, it goes on the list of things to fix.  It's super fun when going through a toll booth.  Yesterday we gave Kayla the job of handing the money to the toll collector.  She sat behind Steve and had to slide the van door open and hand the money over.  She was so embarrassed.  We told her it was good practice for when she's driving.  I love having imperfect things.  It makes life more exciting and real.  It builds character in my children.  And most of all?  Priscilla would be proud!

this is "MEAN COP" face.  It's the face he wears when he's on duty. 

(so he tells me, don't really believe him cuz he's a big softy with most of the high school kids)

YA?  Well this is my "I'm eating Twizzlers" face.  It's the face I put on after my lunch dates with Steve. ;)